Lifestream

It was looking like Cloud would be all right. The Highwind didn't have any beds, but they had managed to clear out a space for him to lie down on the left side of the bridge. He had fallen asleep almost immediately. As Tifa rose, she saw the only other person on the ship, a tired-looking Cid, staring at her. He had casually thrown off his flying helmet near the steering wheel, and now leaned against a rail, cigarette propped in his mouth, as usual.

"Okay," Cid said. "Now that we've gotten this crap cleared up, you mind telling me what the hell you think you were doing?"

Tifa stared at him for a second. She had already filled him in. "You know that. I was going after Cloud to…"

"I know THAT, dammit. I meant you just runnin' off on your own without tellin' anyone or anything! Think, girl! You can't just count on me to drop out of the sky and save your ass every time something unexpected happens!" Tifa was a bit startled. "Yeah, I'm sorry it had to happen that way. But I was..."

Cid pushed off the rail to a standing position. "In a goddamn hurry, yeah, I'll bet! Stupid bitch! Did it occur to you that your damn hurrying might get you killed without anyone knowing where the hell you were?! Did you stop to think?!" He kicked a console angrily, filling the bridge with annoying beeping sounds.

Tifa had had enough. After the endless barrage of narrow escapes and barely surviving, Cid's abuse was the last thing she wanted. "Damn right, I thought! I thought about what might happen. I don't know how long it takes to cast Meteor. What if I hadn't shown up? Hell, ten minutes later and Jenova would've had Cloud. I'm doing what I can, fighting for the Planet and for Cloud; I don't know what you're doing!"

Cid angrily approached her, pulling the cigarette from his mouth. "That doesn't give you an excuse to throw your goddamn life away!" He might have said more, but at that moment, he inadvertently waved his cigarette in Cloud's face. Tifa hurriedly leaned over and tried to fan the smoke away. Cid, presumably realizing that the smoke couldn't be helping either Cloud or Tifa's conditions, hastily snuffed the cigarette out and threw it into the corner by the wheel, where he was building up quite a collection of the things. When he turned back to face Tifa again, he was calmer.

"Look, I'm sorry. It's just that, hell, I do care about you. I don't want anything happenin' to you or Spike when I ain't there to help."

"Yeah, no problem." Tifa was too tired to argue the point. "How did you finally figure out where we were?" Cid grinned his familiar crooked smile. "Didn't. I just got lucky. I've been flying back and forth across the damn globe for the past three days. Missed my weekend with Shera for it…" He grew contemplative. "Still, good thing I got there in time. That was real close."

He really did seem disturbed by it. "Hey, Tifa. You're big on promises, right?" She nodded slowly, not entirely sure where he was going. "Well, could you promise me that next time you go off on some damn fool quest like this, you'll at least get word to me or Barrett or Red. Promise me that, okay?"

Tifa hesitated for a moment. She quickly realized that she wouldn't be able to make that promise. Finally, she spoke. "I promise I'll do what I can."

She hadn't really promised anything, and Cid's dissatisfied look let her know that it hadn't been lost on him. After waiting for a moment, Cid apparently decided that that was the best he was going to get from her. "All right. And you tell Spike the same thing when he wakes up."

Tifa nodded. Grunting, Cid walked out to the deck for a smoke.

Awakening immediately initiated a mix of feelings within Cloud. He had tossed around in a mostly-unconscious state for a few hours, but he didn't feel like the semi-sleep had done him any good at all. He saw that most of his wounds were gone, and had a vague memory of the Cure spells that had eased the more severe physical pain. He still wore a few bandages. Just about every muscle in his body ached, and he felt stiff. Cloud slowly began to sit up, straining with the effort. Beside him, his eye immediately caught sight of his sword, the Masamune. For a moment, he wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to look at it again without feeling sick. But after a few seconds, he decided that the sword really had little to do with what had happened.

The whole situation was his fault.

The mental anguish was worse than the physical. Cloud groaned aloud as he thought of his brutal murder of Reeve. The guards at the door too. And he was close to having the blood of millions more on his hands. He could rationalize it all he wanted, but this time it hadn't been something else controlling his mind. His hatred had come from within himself, and had driven him to these things.

Now that his mind was whole again, his scattered thoughts at the time seemed humiliatingly selfish, and infantile. He still had trouble believing that he'd actually thought for even a moment that Aeris would be happy to be with him, if he was trying to undo everything she had devoted her life to. He would have liked to think she was pleased that he'd stopped himself, but he had no real reason to believe she didn't hate him for the people he'd killed and tried to kill. He groaned again.

He heard footsteps, and raised his head to look. Tifa was approaching, having heard him wake up, he guessed. Like him, she had gotten most of the blood cleaned off her face and body, and her injuries were healed or healing. She didn't look as though she'd slept, though. "Tifa," he greeted shortly.

Concern covered her features. "How're you doing, Cloud?"

Cloud shrugged. "Fine, I guess, for an attempted mass murderer. And you?"

For a moment, he wasn't sure how she would respond. Finally, she frowned. "I guess we'll have to get to that right away. I know about the things you've done, but you have to realize that…"

"That it somehow wasn't my fault?" Cloud found himself growing angry. "That anything I can do can fix what happened? Don't lie to me, Tifa! I don't want you trying to make excuses for me!"

Her frown deepened. "That wasn't what I was going to say." She dropped down next to him as he looked away. "Remember, it was as hard for me to accept that you'd do something like that as it was for you. You have to realize that if you're going to blame yourself for what you tried to do, it means a lot that you were able to stop yourself, and accept your guilt. You were strong enough to do that." Tifa faltered for a moment before continuing. "Besides… I've been thinking, and I realized that I'm that way too. I guess we all are."

She had his attention. Genuinely curious, Cloud turned to listen. She went on. "I've known lots of people who let bitterness mutilate their minds like that. I mean, I've got a part of me that could have done the same kind of thing too. It's still kinda tough for me to accept, but if I'd been in the wrong mood, I might have gone crazy and, oh, I don't know. Tried to kill Aeris in a fit of jealousy, or something like that."

She seemed uncomfortable about continuing, and Cloud couldn't blame her at all. Were Tifa and the others really capable of the same kind of irrational callousness? Then he remembered Sephiroth. Once, even that murderer had had a good heart. He still remembered Sephiroth's almost fatherly affection for him. For Zack, actually, he amended, but he could still remember it as if it were meant for him.

Cloud could take little comfort from all this. It didn't change the fact that his resentment actually had taken control of him. Every time he tried to come to terms with himself, he was assaulted by images of Cait Sith; bouncing to keep up with Cloud and the others; cheerfully drawling his up-to-the-minute information about the Shinra; the cat bellowing orders over his tiny megaphone and the moogle smashing their foes in response. Thanks to Cloud's lack of control, they could never again be more than images or memories. Once again he felt himself sinking into guilt and despair.

"Cloud, please. I don't know how I feel about this either, but you can't just give up!" Tifa seemed to sense his mood change. Her statement lacked certainty, and was more like a plea than anything else. But as its meaning began to sink in, Cloud realized that she was right. He had successfully overcome and accepted himself. Now he had to try to see if he could rectify any of the damage he'd caused. To make sure Reeve's planning and work wouldn't be forgotten, and to do whatever he could to help rebuild the world for the future. To just lie there feeling sorry for himself, or to commit suicide, or, in fact, any other option, would be running away from the problem.

It was still a lot to cope with, but he figured he'd have to try. Sure, he had a responsibility to the Planet and its people to do what he could. But he also owed it to himself. And to Aeris.

"I don't plan to give up on life just yet," he mumbled, more to himself than to anyone else. Tifa sighed with relief but didn't speak.

After a few moments, Tifa began to pull herself back to her feet. From the way she moved, Cloud realized that physically speaking, she was hurt at least as badly as he was. For whatever reason, she was trying hard not to show how injured and exhausted she was. Then Cloud realized why; she was trying to be a source of strength for him. He was touched.

"Tifa?"

"Yeah?" She kneeled beside him again.

"Thinkin' about it, I've really lived a lot of my life for you, you know that? No matter what I might have said, it hasn't been so bad. I don't think I'd do it differently, given another chance." She didn't seem eager to add anything. "Anyway, I have a lot of work to do, and I guess a few more inner demons to fight off. I can tell you're not really sure about me, after what happened, but it'd mean a lot if you'd stand with me, and try to help. Could you do that?"

Tifa smiled. "Isn't that my line?" She laughed abruptly, sounding forced. Cloud, though he usually found it endearing, felt irritation with Tifa's habit of trying to avoid uncomfortable subjects by turning them into jokes. He suppressed his annoyance, with guilt, shame, and anguish still flowing through him.

"I'm serious, Tifa. Can I count on you to be there for me?"

She nodded wordlessly. Gently, he pulled her face towards his. When she didn't resist, he brushed her hair away and kissed her, throwing his arms around her body and squeezing her tightly. She returned the kiss with equal passion, and the hug with almost equal strength, squeezing a few salty drops from his eyes. She felt good against him, and even his guilt and shame faded as he lost himself to love.

Irrationally, he felt a need to prolong the kiss for all time. But eventually, his need for air forced him to pull his mouth away. As he did, the pain returned, but not as bad as before. Cloud felt ready to deal with the world again. Tifa gently brushed away his tears, though she was crying a bit herself.

"Tifa?"

"Don't worry, Cloud." Tifa threw her arms around him again, more gently this time. "It's all right."

CENTER>THE ENDP>

Back to Lifestream.